I Took a Vacation

I didn’t forget about all of my wonderful readers over the week before and the week of Thanksgiving. I went through Hell Week at work and by the time the next week rolled around, I was baking sweet potatoes and dreaming of dark turkey meat with stuffing. However my vacation was not only about how much weight I anticipated to gain (I lost five pounds, thank you). I think I realized a few things about family.

I came back to work to discuss the events over the last few weeks and my boss made a comment that made all the sense in the world. He said that he was so glad that his family was gone. He said that he fooled with his family for eighteen years and then he was through. He said that he wanted to spend the Christmas and New Years holidays with “his people” – the family that he had created with his wife and their assortment of close friends who were like family.

Let me take that back. They are friends who were family, not like. When I researched the definition of the word family, I got quite a few definitions – like “a locally independent organized crime unit, as of Cosa Nostra” or the Mafia. Ha! What a laugh! What was more interesting was that in these times, the common thread of definition was that a family unit consisted of people who were adopted or biologically related and is headed traditionally by two parents.

Wait! What about single parent families or the families that people build when they lack one or can’t stand the one they belong to? My definition of family would be two or more people who can rely on each other through the best of times and through the worst of times. This group of people can be blood related or some random people you have met through your lifetime and have collected. You may fight, but you would fight for that person and ditto for them. You love your family despite knowing that Sue whines for no reason and Joe has a mean streak, because they love you when they know you are a slob.

These feelings do not necessarily extend to people who are blood related to you. Blood is not thicker than water – love is (Ah! There is goes again). Just like love is active, so is being a family member. Being a family member means listening when your family calls every morning for weeks to whine about all that is wrong with life. Being a family member means cutting your family off after sufficient bemoaning and telling them to suck it up (Thanks again, Auntie). Being a family member means picking up the phone after weeks of silence because someone was angry with you. And same goes for them. Hey, it sounds tough, but baby, love is a battlefield (wink, wink).

My family is large and various. It includes my immediate family, my granny and papaw, an aunt and uncle whom I don’t get to see very often but I know they are there for me always, my cousins (most of them anyway) – most of my blood relatives that I am aware of, my godmother and her family, my mom’s two best girlfriends, friends who have known me longer than I care to admit and one precious godbaby. There is not one bit of my genetic material in that baby, but believe that I love him as my own – as I do his parents. My family spans generations, socio-economic backgrounds, race, education, gender and geography. My family lives in Kentucky, Georgia, Illinois, Wisconsin, Washington State, Maryland, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio and Louisiana (and if I missed you...it wasn't intentional. Where are you?). And if I had my family reunion, it would be a sold out event, but I know that every single person has my back. That’s my family.

So as we are knee deep in the holiday season, think about those you are related to and those who are a part of your family. Live each moment as your last, for there is no day but today (courtesy of the most fantastic movie-musical ever: Rent)! Spend your time with those who matter the most. I love you all!

No is a powerful word

Have you ever just been run down? Have you ever just looked up and realized that you are not Superman/woman and you have been stretched out? Are you so interested in pleasing other that you make yourself sick? It's got to stop.

Here's a secret: Ain’t nobody gonna take care of you like you.

And the first step in taking care of yourself is learning the meaning and usage of the word no.

No means:
- There are not enough hours in the day
- I don’t have the energy
- I have better things to do
- There are more pressing priorities

No does not mean:
- I don’t like you
- I don’t value you
- I don’t want to help you…ever

But sometimes these are things that we think when we just can’t do. We get the bubbling sensation in our stomachs as we try to figure out ways to excuse our no without completely lying (or a believable lie). Truth is, most times all you have to do is just say no. In today’s world of instant everything, the person you said no to is walking away, on to find the next sucker while you are fumbling with the lie that took you all night to come up with.

And if the person you say no to asks? Just be honest. If I can’t work the dinner that you’re having because it’s the only night that I can take Granny grocery shopping, most people will understand. And if not? They need to get over themselves and there’s nothing more you can do about it.

“No” can save you a lot of stress and heartburn. Plus, the more you say it, the more you become comfortable with it. You’ll be grateful that you recognized how precious your time is. So go and practice the word a couple of times. You can thank me later…or not.

Question of the Week

So Frankie J (yes, I listen to the top 40 radio station) has just released his latest single - a remake of the soft rock classic "More than Words." The lyrics of the song talk about how loving someone is more about action than saying it all the time. And for all of my dewy eyed romanticism, I'm quite aware of how much love requires from a person.

So my question this week is:

How do you show your love? Do you find yourself sometimes saying it more than acting it?

In the words of my boy LLCoolJ, I'll be waiting/ I love you.

Acceptance is the First Step…

Raise your hand if there’s some little (or big) quirk about you that is well…um…embarrassing. Do your friends call you weird because you sleep with your eyes open? Or perhaps you are slew footed and pigeon-toed (I’ve seen it). Are you in your twenties and you still sleep with a teddy bear? It’s quite okay.

I am fascinated by short people (those under 5 feet) and squirrels to the point of distraction. I have a one track mind at times, and sometimes…I laugh for no apparent reason (I’m usually writing in my head). And…

I’m a candyholic.

That’s right! My name is Jennifer Hanley and I’m a candyholic. I have been sober for two days and I was scared straight when I blacked out Monday night and came to in front of a huge pile of candy wrappers. It wasn’t even candy that I had purchased. I’m ashamed to say that the candy belonged to my precious two-year-old godson, who had hustled hard all weekend as Elmo to acquire a popcorn tin full of Halloween candy. When confronted, I accused them of contributing to the pile and it took another ten minutes for them to convince me of what I had done. During that intervention, I came to the realization that I can’t have just one piece of candy…so I haven’t.

What I just told you is completely true and is in no way mocking those who are addicted to more dangerous substances. It is to point out the fact that we all have blind spots in our lives. There are some things we do that we are not aware of and we have to depend on our friends and family to call us on these things. The fact is that I have been a candyholic for years, which might be deadly for me since diabetes runs strong on both sides of my family. It is by the grace of God that it was caught now before I did serious harm to my body.

Physical addictions are only a part of personal blind spots. Maybe you’re a serious hater, but you don’t mean to hurt feelings. Your just so unhappy about your own life, that the hate just kind of slips out. Maybe you view life with unending negativity and it colors your comments and demeanor, but you don’t consciously think that life sucks. Maybe you are so desperate to believe the best about every situation and person that you constantly get hurt. These are only some non-physical addictions that can really do harm.

I’ve been on a theme recently about the idea of love, because it is my personal belief that it makes the world go ‘round and yet, too few people understand love. Calling your loved ones out on destructive behavior is love of others in action. Caring enough to change your actions is not only love of others, but also love for self in action.

So go ahead and accept your destructive quirks so that you can be the best you possible. If one person tells you of a destructive habit, it might be anything. However, if more than one true loved one tells you you’re destroying yourself, its more likely than not to be true. Listen.

And for the non-destructive quirks that make you a great joke at a party, go ahead and accept those too. You’ll always be remembered. :)